ProfessorViral

Do you (how to put this?) alter your mental state with substances for recreation? Building off of the whole 1st vs 3rd person thing, I'm learning that I actually kind of hate doing so? I drink socially, but anything else just leaves me feeling a disconnect I hate: I want to do something, but am incapable of doing so because I'm impaired. I can't enact my will over my own body, which is maybe the closest I get to feeling a disconnect, as if I'm the "pilot in the flesh mech"

6 days ago | [YT] | 60

ProfessorViral

Video is out now! https://youtu.be/d0rxiVMT42k

Tomorrow, we're getting into a classic case of subtext, where I got halfway through a video and then realized "well, I have to do a personal section, don't I?" because I was writing (partially) about myself the entire time. It led to me recording random bits of my life with the camcorder I started making videos on, showing bits of how I work and live that I never even thought of sharing before. Not for better or worse, just because they weren't a part of the art even though they were a part of the artist; so, maybe they were a part of the art?
That's kind of the whole idea of the video, looking at UNBEATABLE and how it expresses the quest for perfection in art: Clef, who rejects it for more genuine expression, Quaver's distance from Eve because of it, and Beat who almost goes the same way, forced to chase "perfection" by a world with never ending demands. But maybe most of all, we're looking at the entire game. Do it's flaws help make it as special as it is? At the core is one idea: how else is perfection achieved by such messy creatures but limitation. And, if a person limits themself enough, is there anything genuine left in there? Can "perfect" art still achieve the point of art? To make someone feel?
It made me reconsider all of the improvements I've made over the years. Not if they were valid or not, I believe they were required, but if I was doing them in the most valid way or not. Was all the new gear and time true improvement, or just distance between me and you?
I did something very silly for this one and recreated the graphics from UNBEATABLE for quotes, titles, and pop-up text, and also tried my best to name the parts of the video after fitting songs from some of my favorite artists. It took longer, but I think it led to a much more genuine video than regular "fancy" editing would have.
I also snuck Perfect Blue in there, because it's literally in the name.
I think it's good? But, of course I never really know. When you've heard something 17 times you kind of lose the perspective to say if it's unique or not. But, I think it's pretty cool, and I hope you enjoy it
UNBEATABLE is really good, go and play it

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2 weeks ago (edited) | [YT] | 326

ProfessorViral

I don’t know when, or if, this will ever be posted, but I’m sitting here sleepless so I may as well write it. Everything’s been thrown off for half a year and some change now. I got time to relax, then lost it, I scraped together a place for myself, and now can’t rely on myself to maintain it. The path I was on fell away, taking with it my confidence and direction as I questioned just about every decision I’ve ever made. Kafka’s hunger artist knows his art was “because I couldn’t find the food I liked,” and that line haunts me. I wonder if all I’m doing, all I’ve ever been doing, is diluting myself, performing actions only to justify, or rather prolong, past mistakes, lackings, failures, until one day I’m too old and exhausted to care that they were wrong to begin with. Is it possible to regret the future? I think I could try, at the very least. I know I’ve regretted every part of myself, every action of that self, at one point or another, so I feel as if the future is just the logical next regret.

I was stuck with this for a while. I merged tears with the showerhead, locked gaze with a dead-eyed stranger in the mirror, time and time again in these six months. I tried to live by what I learned, I tried to imagine myself as George Bailey in a world trending towards Winston Smith, but the latter always won and I felt uncomfortably familiar with the lack of expression allowed to him. The former had his kind logic, but kind logic often does little against despair and exhaustion. I was sleeping with familiar pains, and seeing them in the morning light as strangers just as uncomfortable, repeating, repeating, repeating. Nothing had changed. Nothing would change. I was nothing, and nothing can’t change, can it?

But, there was something that had always been there, something that I just never felt to the extent I know now; you. Bedford Falls had come out for a miracle. I got a message saying I gave someone hope, an introduction that I gave someone peace, a comment that I gave someone understanding, and so much more. I don’t think it was any more than usual, but in these terrible moments I finally saw just how important it all was, and how lucky I am. Maybe it was all that pondering that opened me up to finally not just thinking “I gave someone hope,” but feeling *I gave someone exactly what I need right now*, and crying the happiest tears of my life in its most stressful period ever. Hope. Peace. Understanding. God, I’m lucky. God, I’m stupid to have ever even considered regret. If I can do those things for people, there isn’t a single moment worth regretting. Every joy, every pain, every laugh with my friends and every tear in the work bathroom, all led me to this exact point where, despite its struggles, I do something that makes me feel fulfilled enough to turn those tears happy. I don’t even know how to begin saying thank you for that. But you all have made me so damn lucky with all your time across these years.

Not just in numbers, but in a way to get up despite the pains and the despair. Since having that moment of feeling it for real, I’ve been sleeping so much better, waking up and thinking so much clearer. I know I should believe in the me who believes in me, but believing in the you who believes in me is the first step to that. Yes, things just got so much harder for me so recently, and yes it makes me anxious enough not to sleep right now, but if I woke up this morning thinking “if you can give someone hope you can keep going” then I’ll wake up tomorrow thinking the same thing. I get to keep going, I’m motivated to keep going, because of how much kindness you’ve all given to me. I’ve spent these past years trying desperately to find words for everything, and according to you all I’ve found many good ones. But the ones to say an appropriate thank you have always escaped me. I want to work on this craft until I can find those appropriate words one day. Thank you for continuing to give me that chance. I swear I’ll do my best.

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 577

ProfessorViral

This one isn't a video essay, but it's genuinely one of the best Pokemon videos I've seen. It's not just going over how to make an interesting and useful mon within the games rules, but also telling a story to match the "personality" of the design, and a story good enough that you will be rooting for a fictional bee by the end

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 15

ProfessorViral

Do you experience life in the "1st person" so to speak, as in you feel like you and your body are one, connected thing and you're having sensations, or is it more "3rd person" as in it feels less direct, and more like watching something happening from inside of your body looking out, or as if you're controlling a separate entity like in a video game?

3 weeks ago | [YT] | 84

ProfessorViral

If you're here from the body swap video; thank you for making it such a success! It's been a huge boost to my confidence in getting more done. Until the next video though, this is a similar one you might enjoy, looking at how the body and mind are linked, and what might happen if we ever unlinked them. For example, without the limitations of a body (needs) would the mind run itself into insanity since there's no natural impulse to turn your attention elsewhere?

3 weeks ago | [YT] | 54

ProfessorViral

Do you listen to live versions of songs? And, why do or don't you?

I never used to care for live versions, until I started finding music that I didn't just think sounded good, but that I felt a real connection to. My most listened to songs are probably from Title Fight's Daytrotter session, and at this point those versions just feel "correct" to me because of the "imperfections." The next video (May 14th) will explore why a bit more

4 weeks ago | [YT] | 34

ProfessorViral

How do you feel about body swap stories?

Naturally, my favorite thing about them is all the kind of horrific aspects. With a different body but the same mind, you would constantly be in a mismatch between what you've learned sensations to be and what your new sensations are. You'd have to relearn distance, sitting would feel different, speaking too, basically comfort wouldn't exist for you at first. And you'd be dealing with this all as everyone expects you to be someone else; could you even have "natural" reactions in a state like this, or would your whole existence become an act?

So, of course I made a whole video about this that's coming out on Thursday, with Heavenly Delusion, Your Name, and Dededede

1 month ago | [YT] | 57