Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

Full-length ASMR video, cinematic af, up on the new channel. High quality scifi sleeps!

1 month ago | [YT] | 2

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

Miss me? I'm over here.

1 month ago | [YT] | 7

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

If you're not familiar with this incredibly relaxing instrument, you are missing out. It should be a favorite among the ASMR community, for sure--that's how I found the handpan, just the algo being like "here, you like relaxing shyte, take this!" Sucks that someone wants to make such a relaxing, universal thing their own private property. Like if the first builder of the house decided to go sue all house-makers. Watch this, now.

2 months ago | [YT] | 4

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

It's out. Today. And it's funding IRL heroes like people who rescue orphans and indigenous people breaking free of SA. And bringing medicines to the jungle, and to kids freezing in Pakistan. What is IT? It is this: ruin.byjenfinelli.com/god-of-murder/

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2 months ago | [YT] | 14

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

It’s a wet cold—a very Western European day outside—here in my normally sunny Paraguay, and my head feels muddy and cloudy and foggy, like one of those British moors I’ve only heard about in stories.

As you know, it’s Jen—that sci-fi author and physician who brings meds to Indigenous people in Paraguay when I am not scrambling for money to buy those meds.

Today my tasks have included staring at stool to determine if the blood therein is ER-worthy or just hemorrhoids; coordinating yet again with the lawyer to pay yet another $150 of admin fees for visa applications to help my undercover investigator escape his enemies; and brainstorming Javascript and Sieve programming for inbox sorting so that I stop ignoring all of your emails.

I have fully come to believe that computer programming is the wizardry of my world, and if I can’t get people to help me, I need to learn magic.

What are you up to? I wonder, where are you sitting?

Is your head clear, or are you dizzy like me?

I was sick all last week after getting back from our jungle expedition. But {$name}--we repaired the bridge!

If you remember, we’ve been passing over a particularly dangerous—and by dangerous, I mean literally life-threateningly dangerous—bridge to bring medical care to the family of the little girl we rescued almost two years ago from sex abuse.

The bridge was in such horrific condition last time when I sent you pictures that once we got back last month I sat down and had a serious conversation with Miguel, the pastor of the local mixed Indigenous church here in Luque.

“After last month’s trip, I feel like I’m just putting my driver’s life in danger,” I told him.

“And it’s worth it—I don’t know who else is going to help these people when they keep being lied to and no one pulls through. But there has got to be another way.”

This particular pastor's a construction boss by trade, and an old friend. In fact, one of the most formative summers of my life was the one I worked under him mixing cement here in Paraguay as a teenager almost twenty years ago.

So Miguel helped me form the idea for a proposal for the leader of that Indigenous community, and then during the same two weeks that I was wildly and desperately fundraising to help our investigator buddy escape the country he was in I was also staying up until 1:00 AM pretty much every day trying to save up for money to build this bridge.

(If you don't remember what happened with our investigator buddy and the Regalo project, you can read that email here)

During that same month, I was supposed to be holding “assholes anonymous"--definitely not what I called it in person to anybody--but if you recall--that guy who stabbed one of our Indigenous leaders in the head?

The guy who's getting off scot-free because he’s her husband?

Because he hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol in the month since he did that—actually, I think it’s two months now—she thinks there’s real change in him.

I told her straight up: I don’t like him and I want him to go to jail. But because she asked me to help him, and everyone can change, I agreed to get him some self-care exercises while providing him the phone numbers to licensed psychologists here in Paraguay, and--

(YT says too long, find out what happened next here: preview.mailerlite.com/v7p0w5i7b7 and in the future to be first to get updates like this, you need to be in my secret email list: byjenfinelli.com/you-want-heroes-and-fairies . Otherwise you only hear from me when I feel like logging in = P )

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8 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 27

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

JUST REALIZED JOHN WICK IS WHAT HAPPENS IF BILL AND TED FAIL AND TED GOES TO MILITARY SCHOOL!
There is no openly-available US military school in Alaska. Where Ted's dad sends him isn't an openly-available US military school.

11 months ago | [YT] | 15

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

Real talk, I sometimes feel incredibly inadequate. Maybe you do, too, and maybe like me some degree of shame? Let's talk about that feeling.

I feel inadequate as a doctor because I didn't have the health to finish a residency program; as a person because I'm still carrying mental scars from some f'd up past addictions; as a woman because where I once did bjj every night and rucked miles every week I now can't even lift a grocery bag without needing a nap. I'm ashamed that I'm incredibly weird, that I make enemies everywhere I go, and that I'm not running 80+ hr weeks at a hospital earning six figures like the "real" physicians, because I physically can't. I'm ashamed that I'm exhausted.

But in the last three years, I have:

-ducked breathless in the back of a police car winding down a dirt road to point out the location of a violent child abuser (who will be very mad at me when he gets out of prison, and is known to attack people with machetes)
-hunted another abuser through the woods on foot (after some prayer, he got got, too)
-twice had to rush to pick up a friend who was physically attacked (once she fought the guy off with a technique I taught her)
-lost my appendix (it's now on my shelf)
-exploded a disc in my spine so bad the surgeon was wondering why I can still walk
-peeled a guy off the street who went face-first off a motorcycle at 60mphh with no helmet and, soaked in his blood, rushed him to the hospital when the ambulance couldn't
-run four community health fairs
-had to be hospitalized several times for an awful medication treatment that's basically like "chemotherapy for fibromyalgia"
-started the only indigenous medicine distribution program of its kind in Paraguay
-finished two novels (which were then published by an actual publisher)
-run a grief program in a community after suicide that they say prevented the victim's mother from dying, too
-hidden a child victim in my home for nine months, becoming an impromptu single mom, and then had my heart so broken giving her up (which was always the plan!) I had chest pain and couldn't sleep
-continued to walk with my Tuesday telehealth folks through some of the nastiest problems a person can face, from people who want to kill themselves to people who "just" want to mutilate themselves to people who want to hurt others, many of them child abuse victims, others entitled and unkind but still precious humans, in weekly, intense, "I walk with you through your life" detail that for a while kept me terrified
-etc, etc

So yeah, I'm allowed to be exhausted.

But maybe LIKE YOU I *feel* like I'm not.

"Why the hell am I tired when I'm not DOING anything? I have working legs. There are soldiers who don't and are running marathons. Why the hell am I so damn weak?"

I *feel* like I'm doing everything wrong, because even though I check the evidence over and over for the strategies I use and the treatments I provide, even though I've caught medical things board certified physicians missed, I have it hanging over my head that I left my residency program to deploy with my military unit, and I'm too physically weak to ever consider doing either again. Doesn't matter that I left the residency in good standing. That's always, always going to be a blotch on me, a stain, in the eyes of other physicians, and physician recruiters.

Just like it's always going to be a blotch that I had military legal action against me for something I didn't do, when I was trying to defend a patient.

Or that I got my family evicted by a rental company that tricked my dumb bed-ridden ass into signing a document that said I was willing to pay rent in a place I didn't live ("that's not important," she said about some animal details that were actually very important).

It never matters what I was "trying" to do--f'kin survive while my brain was trying to kill me with memories of death--I still pissed off the wrong people, so if I can't even teach myself tact under trauma, who am I to think I can guide others through their mental health battles? If I'm still waking up at 4 AM, like today, with dark ideations I beat fifteen years ago, how can I help folks who have way scarier urges, or who've seen way worse things?

Everybody I help, there is someone else who would be more qualified, they just--aren't--showing up. Either my people can't or won't go to the more qualified person. Hell, I wish my best friend could do better than me in a best friend.

I put a line in NEODYMIUM APOCALYPSE where one character says to another something along the lines of,

"Yeah, you suck, but you're the one who showed up."

So--YOU, if you read this far--if you're the one who showed up, if you're the one who's HERE--that counts for something. Sure, we've got to be troubleshooting and improving. We can't be putting the people we serve at risk playing the hero when what would be actually heroic is getting them to someone better. "Right place, right time, right uniform" is the foundation. But all three can be fixed. Your existence, or lack thereof, cannot. Feelings are information, but they're not facts. For every inadequacy you have, there's either a way to fix it, or there's grace. And there's valor in losing if you fought for what is noble.

What's your fight? Are doubts ("that's someone else's job, I can't") keeping you from even JOINING your fight? Are you self-rejecting, disqualifying yourself for the job before you've even applied? Where are you needed, even WITH your limitations and impossibilities? Are you tired, and not ALLOWING yourself to be tired, not allowing yourself to recognize battle wounds when you have them so you can heal to fight another day? Is just existing never enough? What can you do with what you still have left?

The first shall be last, and the last shall be first. If you're not enough, God is. There's always someone better than you.

But you're the one who's here. <3

Eat some veggies today!

1 year ago | [YT] | 25

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

The eerie hum rises outside your window until even the crickets go silent in fear. What is it?

1 year ago | [YT] | 8

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

All of these are fighting. All are starving. What animal do you save?

1 year ago | [YT] | 6

Real Rogues - Medical History ASMR

If you were a Being outside time and space--like above a "god," I mean a Progenitor over everything--and you loved both an evil person, and someone they hurt...how do you resolve that? How do you choose, when you know WHY someone is evil, but your heart aches for justice?

1 year ago | [YT] | 11