I've been recovering from surgery, and right after I announced the stream, I started developing an infection as a result of said surgery. Nothing to worry about, I just needed a bit of extra time to recover (and more importantly, waiting until I'm approved for ibuprofen again).
We'll be doing a live stream at some point soon (possibly this weekend) and it'll be a "storytime" stream.
Everyone keeping up with these community posts will know that A LOT has happened the past few years, and now that I have all the facts to contextualise everything, I want to map out a timeline of events to get everything straight in my head.
This will hopefully be a one-stop shop for explaining everything, as even with all these community posts, it's been difficult to capture the full scope of everything that has happened, and how my newly diagnosed health conditions (EDS & MCAS) have been creeping behind the scenes to sabotage everything these past few years.
And after the stream, I'm hoping we can finally turn a new leaf and begin getting things back on track.
I'm hoping this will be informative, and possibly offer a glimmer of hope for the channel's future, as the whole the reason things fell apart is because I was fighting a battle against an enemy that had no name while being told it was all in my head.
Now we know what is going on in my body, which gives us the power to manage it and make progress again.
I've missed streaming, editing, talking with you guys and just being an active part of the community, and while things aren't going to bounce back overnight, this stream should hopefully make that path back more clear.
And I'm hoping I can make it entertaining, and chat with you guys about whatever along the way.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge that, as a standalone show, it could still be good.
As always, the accuracy of adaptation is a different metric from writing quality, but that doesn't mean I won't be annoyed if it's adapted poorly. And so far, it's not looking great as an adaptation of Green Lantern, or more specifically, of Hal Jordan as a character.
A reboot of Green Lantern was desperately needed, but *how* they're rebooting it is beyond questionable.
Hal Jordan is many things, but an old man is not one of them (we already have Alan Scott to fill that role). Now, I wouldn't be too annoyed if the Earth Lanterns were truly interchangeable, allowing you to swap and change whatever Lantern you want into whichever story you want to adapt.
Unfortunately, all the Earth Lanterns are distinct characters with their own plotlines, arcs, characteristics, supporting characters and villains. And while John Stewart might be the most well-known thanks to the DCAU (Justice League & Justice League Unlimited), the most iconic Green Lanterns stories typically revolve around Hal.
So, I'm a little bewildered that they've chosen to start Hal's story at the end of his career, and how John is being set up as his long-term replacement. Seemingly treating this show as a one-off. An Elseworld's tale where they are afforded more freedom to tune these characters to the exact setting and tone they want.
This isn't an Elseworld's tale, however. This is a mainline television show that is setting the groundwork for Green Lantern for possibly decades to come.
And as a result, we'll be forced to live with these decisions for the foreseeable future:
- Hal Jordan is an old man who will likely die, retire or turn evil within the first couple of seasons.
- The first season is set ten years in the past, so Hal is actually EVEN OLDER by the time of Superman, if he's still alive at all.
- John & Guy will likely be forced into Hal's place in stories that previously would have had him at the centre, but can't now because, again: Old, dead, retired, or evil.
- Hal's identity is public, which has ripple effects both big & small. The most obvious of which is how, well, naked he looks without the domino mask. Not helped by that god-awful costume that looks more like biker gear than a Green Lantern uniform (and why do we keep forgetting the white gloves?)
Now, before someone points it out in the comments, yes, I know there was an era of Green Lantern where John was the backup Lantern, and eventually took over for Hal. This dynamic didn't stick long-term, however, and is not how these two are portrayed in relation to each other for the majority of their history.
I'm a child of the Geoff Johns-Peter Tomasi era of Green Lantern, and by that point, all Earth Lanterns were off doing their own thing as contemporaries with the age differences being minimal.
Now, this is a comic book adaptation, and thus, there are ways to circumnavigate these issues, if they changed their mind.
If they choose to adapt the Parallax storyline, for example, they could *possibly* end that storyline with Hal's redemption; swapping in a younger actor as the creature's influence finally leaves his body. For those not in the know, there was a time Hal *looked* older in the comics, but it was later revealed that this was due to being influenced, and later possessed, by a space bug made of living fear.
It's a bit of a catch-22 story. It contains some highly iconic imagery, but it was also complete and total character assassination for Hal, hence the later space bug explanation.
The issue with using this as a mechanism to get a younger Hal into the present day in this universe, however, is that we never got to enjoy Hal in his prime.
Hal Jordan was brought back after his downfall in the comics because there were generations of fans who'd grown up with him as their Green Lantern, and were more than a little upset that he turned omnicidal before being killed off.
So, there was a supply & demand reason for his return.
With Lanterns, we're *starting* with the older Hal.
We haven't followed a younger Hal Jordan over multiple seasons of television, so the demand is not there to justify the supply.
Now, they could test the waters by doing a mini-series later down the line - Show Hal's backstory, and go through some of the highlights of his career leading into Lanterns, but there's still so many issues that simply filling in Hal's backstory wouldn't solve.
The mini-series itself could be as comic accurate as the premise of the show would allow, but that still wouldn't fix the long-term damage of making him forty years older than Superman in this universe.
Hal is a character with more than a few iconic friendships with other heroes - He's got an interesting relationship with Batman, his adventures with Green Arrow are the stuff of legend, and let's not forget his friendship with Barry Allen.
And those are only a few examples.
As it stands, Hal is being set up as the senior to possibly all of these characters now, so the dynamic is going to be fundamentally different, even if they go through the effort to explore them.
You can de-age Hal's body, but he'll still be significantly older than all the characters he's meant to be contemporaries with.
And beyond his place within the larger superhero community, Hal's supporting cast ages too, and whatever magic trick you pull to make Hal young again, it can't just be applied to his entire supporting cast, such as his family, friends and love interests. Well, not without deeper implications, anyway.
Making Hal younger also wouldn't retroactively make his identity a secret again, unless he started going under a completely different name. Oh god, could you imagine THAT's how they get Kyle Rayner into this universe? Just making him a de-aged version of Hal?
Also, much like his aforementioned superhero friends, the comics also place John & Hal as relative contemporaries in terms of age, with Hal only being more experienced due to getting the ring first.
From the looks of the trailer, Hal is going to be something of a childhood hero to John, which is, just... weird, to me. Even someone like Kyle Rayner, who was Hal's replacement during all the Parallax stuff, was only like ten, maybe fifteen years younger than Hal at absolute maximum (which would place Hal in his thirties and Kyle in his early twenties).
I get the whole passing the torch idea, but I dunno man, the Green Lantern comics I like have all the Earth Lanterns co-existing and off doing their own thing. And by doing a TV Series, it felt like that was the idea with this show too. That they could tell so many more stories than a two to three hour film would allow with so many more characters.
Of course, I didn't image every Earth Lantern would be introduced at once. Of course not. But I imagined that the format would allow these characters to be introduced organically over time.
Instead, we're rushing to old folks home.
This show that could be interesting on its own, but I dread to think that this is going to be everyone's initial introduction to Green Lantern and the characters contained therein.
Much in the same way I'd dread someone being introduced to Batman through the DCEU - In a universe where all of his best stories are behind him, and he's already gone through most of his major arcs. Only with Green Lantern, you don't have a wealth of other adaptations to (kind of) fill in the gaps.
I dunno, it just blows my mind that we had one crappy adaptation in 2011, and suddenly, no one wants to touch Hal Jordan faithfully as a character anymore. A character who they'd worked so hard to rehabilitate in the eyes of the comic reading public.
Imagine if that rule applied to any other property. Imagine if we never got Netflix's Daredevil because the property was "too tainted" by the Ben Affleck version.
One silver lining, though:
Hal Jordan is actually something of a dream role of mine as an actor, so when they announced this project, I was a little bummed that I wasn't quite far along enough to even get a shot at that role.
Then when it was revealed that they were aiming for a sixty-year-old Hal, there was a little bit of relief there. Turns out even if I was signed on with some big agency, and was doing high profile roles, I still would have been WAAAYY out of the age range they were looking for.
Friends, we are finally close to the end of this very long, and excruciatingly painful road.
It's taken a lot longer to make these arrangements than I would have liked, and not for lack of forward planning or preparation on my part.
For the couple of years I'd known he was sick, I'd very carefully considered my options, on & off. Back in September especially when he'd gained yet another diagnosis in the form of sudden heart disease, I'd begun planning for the worst.
I, of course, hoped he'd pull through for at least one more year, make it to fifteen years of age. A nice round number. However, I also knew these things could collapse without warning.
Once the terminal prognosis came in, I made it a point to work with the palliative care specialist to properly go over all of my options, and have a ready-to-go action plan on standby for when the moment finally came. This way, I wouldn't have to make a bunch of huge and heavy decisions under a strict time limit while I was being forced through the excruciating heartbreak of grief.
I very much considered this cat to be my son, and losing him has been the pain I can only imagine one would go through in losing their child (and their first child at that).
And once his time came, the first step of the action plan was initiated:
A tactical delay in initiating the rest of the plan.
It wasn't that I didn't trust the plan that I'd constructed, but more, that I wanted to have a clear head when I pulled the trigger, in case there were any considerations I'd missed while my soul crumpled like soggy tissue paper.
Two days into this tactical delay (two days after his death) is when I found out about the aforementioned freeze drying process.
Something I drove home with the palliative care specialist was that memory for me is very tactile, and whatever the game plan, I wanted to keep as much of him as I possibly could. This resulted in a plan to get as many paw prints and various other keepsakes created on top of keeping his ashes, to keep as much of him with me as possible, ensuring that we compiled an extensive list of items we needed to get while his body was still in tact, versus those that could be purchased later.
This felt as good as it was going to get at the time. Once the moment came for final goodbyes, however, and I had to leave him behind at the vet, the full implications of what this all meant washed over me. My grief wasn't just that I'd lost my son, but that walking out of that room would mean never seeing him again.
It's a consequence of my memory and meaning being tactile and physical for me. I knew deep in my heart that no number of paw prints or castings nor tufts of fur would ever fill that need to keep him as he was. In the shape that is him. Even if he wasn't alive, giving up his body felt like this second death:
That the next time I'd "see" him, he'd be a pile of ashes. Indistinguishable from the dust under the ottoman. That revelation hollowed me out completely.
Hit me with a hammer, I would have rung like a bell.
So, when I learned that there was a way to keep *him* - ALL of him, that possibility made me feel whole again. However, this would mean not only changing the action plan, but scrapping it entirely. I would need to learn everything about the freeze drying process from ground zero, and whether it was what I truly needed long-term, or whether it was just something that lightened me in a period of my most acute grief.
So, I was now left in the position I'd tried so extraordinarily hard to avoid:
I had to make a lot of heavy decisions with no room for error while also going through the grieving process. All of this under a strict deadline:
Frozen bodies can only be freeze dried up to six months after death, the vet needed to free up freezer space AND I needed to allow time for transport and preparation, meaning I couldn't afford to have it slip my mind or delay it indefinitely as I did other things.
That meant there were a lot of days where I was doing almost nothing while I let my brain do its thing, or I was otherwise working through my grief while the decisions lingered in the background. It wasn't procrastination in the traditional sense. More just a need for my subconscious to chew on every possible aspect of this process before sending the results up to my conscious mind for consideration.
Before I could even begin, I had to first consider what the right questions to ask should even be, both to myself and to the people I would be handing his body off to. And that meant going right down to the very roots of my belief structure to understand what my worldview needed out of all this - Basically deconstructing my heart, mind and soul to see where both my cat and death itself sat within them, before carefully putting them back together again.
And then I had to get the funds together, which was its own trial.
And finally, I had to fill out the paperwork, which I thought was going to be the easiest part, but part of that process was describing the final pose he will be in. It seemed like an easy question to answer, but as I thought about it, I realised that there were logistical considerations I had to make, not to mention crafting a description that will actually communicate exactly what I want ON TOP of finding reference photos of him that match what I needed.
And then, of course, going away from it so I could look at it with fresh eyes, and ensure that all my bases were covered so I could put the wheels in motion as anxiety-free as I possibly could.
All of this while fighting the arse cancer that is Adobe Acrobat's form filling and editing features. Oh, and also relearning how my body works in the wake of my EDS diagnosis at the same time. Fun!
We're finally here, though.
At the time of writing, I'm literally just waiting to hear back from the company to see if I've filled everything out correctly, and if they're ready to receive him.
We're 99.9% of the way there, and after that, I'll finally have the spoons to do that memorial livestream and (hopefully) some long overdue gaming streams.
Thank you all for your continuing patience. I just wanted to outline everything that has been going on while my head is relatively clear, so I wasn't leaving you all in the dark.
I am still apocalyptically behind on messages, but those are going to be a top priority once I've gotten confirmation and decompressed a little from this.
Bloody hell, it's only been two weeks since the last post? It feels longer. 😫
Aftercare for my cat is progressing slowly but surely, and I'm gradually learning to manage my EDS symptoms. I'm hoping to have everything back up and running before too long, but decision making right now feels like walking through wet cement, and I'm trying to be very careful during this delicate phase of the process.
Once his body is safely in the hands of the freeze drying place, I'll be able to unclench and finally divert my attention back to other things.
The last month has been healing, but still exhausting.
The closest comparison I can think is having to learn how to walk again while grieving your child. The two things can be done together, but they don't leave much overhead for other things.
There's a couple of games I really want to play on stream that I'm hoping I can get around to soon, if only just to relax. I'm feeling a little self-conscious about streaming since the channel got demonetized, and I'm not entirely sure why, but I guess anxiety doesn't need a rational explanation. Sometimes, the brain is just misfiring under stress.
Maybe there's a bit of imposter syndrome slipping in because of the huge break I've been forced to take for my health and my cat, but yeah, it's hard to say for sure.
As for the GoFundMe I mentioned, while I'm still considering it, I began feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of relying on the uncertainty crowdfunding for something as important and sensitive as getting my cat preserved. As a result, I dug deep and found some alternative routes to fund it.
It's still going to be a big blow financially, but at least there's certainty now where there was none before.
I might still do some crowdfunding of some kind (still undecided), but I think it's much more fair to set up something to help recoup some of the costs, rather relying than on it for the process to happen at all.
I've been doing some prep for the memorial stream as well, and I'm looking forward to doing that when I get the chance.
And, of course, I'm looking forward to transitioning life back to something resembling normal and fun again. Going so long with an undiagnosed medical condition while shouldering so many other things along the way really fucks with your sense of self, and more than anything, I'm just looking forward to feeling like me again.
A little older. A little wiser. But still the same ol' Meme under all this.
And still got the best fans anyone could ask for (certainly the most patient!)
Thanks guys, I'll try to at least drop these updates more frequently, when I can.
Some people use their community posts as little blog posts too, so maybe I should think about doing that to at least get something out in the interim periods? We shall see (God knows I have some things to say about that Lanterns trailer).
A big thank you for all the wonderful comments on the previous community posts. It will never cease to amaze me how incredibly loving this community is, and I'll never not be blown away by all the support.
I've been weighing options for aftercare (aka what to do with my cat's body), and I'm heavily leaning towards a process called "freeze-drying".
This is a process where the frozen animal is put into a vacuum chamber and the moisture is allowed to slowly sublimate without turning back into a liquid, and the result is the animal becoming completely "shelf stable" (for lack of a better term).
This would, in essence, allow him to be a monument to himself, and allow him to stay with me in a recognisable form for the rest of my life. It just feels the most right to me.
I've calculated the costs for this procedure, and it comes in at about $2600 AUD ($1840.85 USD at current exchange rates) + transport and other overhead costs that I still need to run the numbers for.
Expensive, yes, but when you consider that it's essentially the last money I'll ever spend on him, it's not the worst price in the world. I think I probably paid that much in vet bills alone last year.
The main problem is timing.
I'm still recovering financially from all the aforementioned care he needed during the final years of his life, and there is a time limit for how long I can wait before freeze drying becomes impossible. Not to mention, my vet can't exactly hold his body in the freezer forever.
I've weighed up my options, and this feels like a situation where a GoFundMe may be appropriate, as I'm not confident I'll be able to build up the funds quickly enough on my own.
If the EDS chooses to be kind, I may do a stream today or tomorrow discussing the idea further (and chat with you folks again while playing a game). And if it goes ahead, the memorial stream will likely double as a fundraising stream too.
In the meantime, here's a YT short demonstrating what the end result of freeze drying looks like. Conveniently, the cat in the video is near identical to my own, so it's an excellent example to look at:
I hope you're doing well, love what you're doing with your hair.
What's been going on in MemeLand, you ask? Fuck man, I don't even know where to begin. So much stuff that I've had to split this community post into two parts, so that should give you some idea.
In fact, this *IS* Part 2, so if you haven't read Part 1, I would recommend jumping over here first to get yourself all caught up on the deep lore:
For the first half of the month, my sister was in serious trouble.
She has multiple, serious psychiatric conditions, including schizoaffective disorder (which is a subtype of schizophrenia), and she was dating a sociopath who had convinced her to go off all her meds, and tried to extort our family for money. So, the first week of the month was spent making phone calls to the building managers to fix security doors that had been broken for weeks, changing codes to lockboxes, and getting back a stolen van, terrified that the fucker might be smuggling himself in the back, waiting to go postal.
The second week was coordinating with the mental health unit at one of the local hospitals, as going off all your meds when you have schizoaffective disorder is a really, really bad idea, and she'd completely lost touch with reality. So, I was calling up the hospital constantly to advocate for her while my parents were out of town, and driving back & forth, basically becoming her full time carer.
Once that had finally settled down, the universe decided one more "fuck you" was in order, as my cat's kidney disease took a turn for the worse. On Christmas Day, I'd noticed some lumps sticking out of his sides, and I spent all of Christmas writing up an email to the vet voicing my concerns. They were worried too, but because of my financial situation, they said I should keep an eye on it and take him in if they don't go away.
They did go away, temporarily, making me think he was just constipated or something.
Right after my sister's hospital adventure, however, they came back. And his appetite was in the toilet too, causing him to lose an unhealthy amount of weight. Worried, I took him into the vet, and my worst fears were confirmed.
He'd developed perirenal pseudocysts on both kidneys, and one kidney had already shut down. What had previously been stabilised and under control, had devolved rapidly into an end stage condition. I was given the option to hospitalise, but it was risky and would only buy him a few months at most.
He was dying.
Given the options, I chose to bring him home.
For the next two weeks, I coordinated with my regular vets + a wonderful palliative care specialist they refered me to, and at the end, a group of volunteers I called his "angels" that helped me to administer his medications.
The plan was to do an at-home euthanasia in March, aiming to give him a fighting chance to say goodbye to all the humans he'd know in his life.
It was looking good for a little bit, but it was an uphill battle. There were struggles to get people in to medicate him, and it was so difficult to tell what symptoms were manageable versus the ones that pointed towards a need to push forward the euthanasia date.
Eventually, on Wednesday, February 4th, his body began to shut down.
I might tell the full story in a livestream I'm hoping to do, but the long and short of it is that I stayed with him until he died.
I watched my boy die.
I tried to get someone in to do the euthanasia, but no one could make it in time.
I just kept telling him that I love him. And that I was so grateful to have him in my life. And that it was okay to go into that goodnight where there would no longer be any pain.
I then carried his body into the living room for the other cats to do with as they needed, before transporting him to the vets. The entire time, I was completely inconsolable. I'm a cryer in general, but even by my standards, I don't think I've cried more than I did in the last two weeks of my boy's life, and in the week immediately after.
It's been ten days now, and I'm just spent emotionally.
In case it wasn't obvious, going through that level of stress and emotional exhaustion is not good for avoiding EDS flare ups. During the last week of his life, he just kept yowling and yowling, and he would only shut up if me or one of the other cats was directly in his sightlines.
This meant that I got very little sleep during that period which, you guessed it, flares up the EDS like a motherfucker, amongst all the things sleep deprivation does.
The palliative care specialist said that she'd never seen anyone go to the lengths that I did for a dying animal. I was essentially a full-time, around the clock nurse without pay. I was sending emails every day. Making phone calls every day. Organising groups, and coordinating guests, on top of attending to all his needs, which included reconfiguring the apartment so he could easily reach all the taps, which I kept at a low trickle, because he was refusing to have anything but running tap water.
And now, I'm still sort of in the trenches as I figure out what to do with his body, and what the overall aftercare procedure is. I had a plan worked out, but then I found out about some additional options that have given pause, and now I'm back to trying to figure out what the best course of action is, while also wrangling with some of the most severe grief I've ever dealt with on top of the trauma of having watched my cat die in front of me.
There's also other stuff I've been dealing with that I've doubtless forgotten in the shuffle, such as the fact that my psychologist of about seven years is retiring, so I'm in the process of transitioning to a new one, which means I have double the support temporarily, but also, it's a hugely stressful thing to have such a fundamental part of my life completely upended and changed around at a time where I desperately need stability.
I do have a support worker helping out, thank god, plus cleaners, but even they can only take so much of the load off.
So yes, this has been what has been keeping your ol' pal Meme pre-occcupied these past few months. I'm writing this both to inform you lovely folks, and also to have something to copy & paste to the folks that I need to get back to, so I don't blow up their inboxes with two short MauLer videos worth of text.
And yes, the Long Man is someone I seriously need to get back to.
I've actually had a reply written to him for months now, but I haven't had the spoons to proofread it, which I'm hoping this post will help with (plus being functionally blind with dry eye didn't help).
This feels like the beginning of a new chapter, at long last. We now have a clear path forward, and I'm thankful for that, but the pain of knowing my dear boy, who has been there for me throughout my entire adult life will not be there to see it. It's a pain I can't describe.
Objectively, I've got more direction than I've ever had, but I've also never felt more lost.
I'll hopefully be able to do a livestream too, as a tribute to my dear boy (and I really need to come up with a better pseudonym for him, as I don't want to mention his real name in case I dox myself by proxy), so I hope you guys can come join for that, whenever I summon the energy to do it.
I hope you're doing well, love what you're doing with your hair.
What's been going on in MemeLand, you ask? Fuck man, I don't even know where to begin. So much stuff that I've had to split this community post into two parts, so that should give you some idea.
Part 1:
I guess we'll start with medical stuff, as that'll weave throughout everything else, for we finally have an official diagnosis for the longstanding medical issues!
On January 20th, I was officially diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (or EDS, for short), which explains, well, every single unexplainable medical problem I've had for basically my entire life, and finally answers why my body has slowly been disintegrating the last few years.
This is good news, because it means I'm no longer stumbling blind, trying to figure out what to do. The actual solutions will take time to implement, as a lot of it is just physical therapy, but that's much better than having zero idea what the fuck is going on.
So, what is EDS exactly?
Well, physiologically, it basically means that my body produces a low quality version of the protein "collagen". Now, you might have heard of collagen in relation to the beauty industry, as it is the thing that keeps skin looking healthy & youthful, and it is a drop in collagen levels that makes us wrinkly looking when we get old (amongst other things, I believe).
Collagen, however, isn't just skin deep. It's a fundamental building block of the entire body, meaning that if your body produces a low quality version of it, your entire body is partially low quality. Kind of like a YouTube video on a crap connection.
There's about 13 or more subtypes of EDS, and all of them manifest the condition in different ways. For me, it appears that I have the hypermobility subtype (or possibly the classical).
The two most obvious symptoms are my super stretchy skin (which I only just found out is not normal) and my super floppy, unstable joints (which I knew wasn't normal, but didn't realise was actively harming me until now).
The loose, floppy joints force my muscles to expend a lot more effort to stabilize. This results in chronic exhaustion because compensating for a structural fault within the body is a lot of work versus the typically passive stability that a healthy body has.
And that's just one symptom.
EDS also comes with various dysautonomic symptoms (also known as dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system), such as:
- Orthostatic Intolerance (a condition where symptoms like lightheadedness, fainting, palpitations, and fatigue develop upon standing or sitting upright, typically improving when lying down)
- Extreme Fatigue, usually manifesting as massive crashes.
- Deeply uncomfortable digestive and gut problems.
- Exercise intolerance, meaning if I push myself even a little too hard at the gym, I might be out for days after.
- Chronic migraines, usually the silent type that doesn't have the headache (but is no less debilitating).
- Difficulties regulating body temperature.
There are also a number of cognitive symptoms too, such as:
- Difficulty concentrating
- Memory difficulties.
- Executive function difficulties.
- Brain fog
- Spatial & temporal confusion
And do note, that my ADHD & Autism already cause these things, so this essentially just makes it worse, and also compromises the techniques & treatments that work for those two diagnoses, but not the EDS. This explains why my meds work really well sometimes, but then completely fail at others.
The circulation to my limbs has also become progressively worse, rendering the use of my hands compromised, and giving me these wonderfully attractive varicose veins, not to mention purpose hands & feet.
Many symptoms also come with the sub-symptom of chronic pain and inflammation.
Also, because this is a connective tissue disorder that affects every part of the body, it's not unlikely that other medical conditions I have are, in some way, attributable to the EDS.
For example, I was also diagnosed with meibomian gland dysfunction last year, which causes chronic dry eye, resulting in discomfort, blurry vision and increased sensitivity to light. Even if this is an independent disorder of the EDS, a chronic dry eye condition still makes the EDS worse, as it increases light sensitivity, which in turn, triggers migraines and other dysautonomic symptoms.
And this is made doubly worse by my pollen allergy, which creates even more eye-related problems, which in turn, worsens the dry eye and you can probably guess where this is going.
So, am I fucked? No, not at all.
EDS, while currently incurable, can be managed effectively. The symptoms are not constant. They get better and worse, depending on the number of triggers I'm exposed to versus the number of things I'm doing to manage it.
I used to be into strength training once upon a time, and that was when my body and mind were at their peak. Without a diagnosis, however, I was written programs that were entirely inappropriate for my condition, as they'd often trigger my exercise intolerance, leaving me wiped out for days sometimes.
With a hypermobility specialist, however, rehabilitation will finally be possible.
In fact, I'd already be engaging with a physical therapist, if life hadn't decided to ram one last batch of pineapples up my tight hole before I finally secured the diagnosis. Resulting in a mess I'm still cleaning up.
So, let's rewind:
I got back to work on editing projects in October (I think? It's a bit of a blur), but as I'm discovering, November & December (the beginning of the Australian Summer) are essentially EDS hell for two reasons:
- Increased pollen levels - Longer, brighter, hotter days with Increased UV Levels
Fun fact about Canberra (where I live):
When the city was founded a little over a hundred years ago, they planted way too many male plants, and not enough female ones. As a result, when summer time rolls around, there is an excessive amount of plant sperm floating through the air, getting into everything and everyone.
These high pollen levels trigger my allergies, which in turn, worsen my meibomian gland disorder, which severely compromises my vision and spikes my sensitivity to light. So, when the days gets longer, brighter and hotter, I'm not only struggling to regulate my body temperature, which itself can result in further EDS flare ups as my body strains to compensate, but I'm also being blasted by the Australian sun from 5am to 9pm.
And to make things even worse, all the fruits I like go out of season (except bananas), meaning I get the additional flare trigger of not getting the proper nutrition & hydration I need, at a time I need it the most. Yippee...
So yeah, I am way behind on messages from September & October onwards because I've basically learned that I have to go into hibernation during the final two months of the year. I tried to push through it, but it just wasn't happening.
And on top of that, I had to change food delivery companies. I get discounted groceries because of my disability, which is great, but changing providers was a level of executive function my poor nervous system simply wasn't equipped for at that particular time of the year, so I was barely eating on top of all that.
January & February usually aren't so bad, though. They're usually a nice gentle recovery period, as the pollen levels go down and the days start to get a bit shorter.
This is what should happen, but another major trigger for EDS is stress, which also wreaks havoc with my autism & ADHD, which already render my nervous system extra sensitive.
And if those last two paragraphs didn't make it obvious, I'll say it clearly: January was a fucking nightmare, and February has also been awful.
Long story short -- Things are a lot better than they were in my last post, but we have a ways to go.
The Good News:
The big thing I want to emphasize is that things are genuinely improving, and I am in a far, far better place than I was seven months ago when I did the first health livestream.
I've got a much firmer handle on my own health issues, and an amazing viewer on one of the latest streams pointed out that my symptoms could align with HSD (or hypermobility spectrum disorder). I'll emphasize that this is not a diagnosis, only a reasonable suspicion that seems to line up near-perfectly with all the problems I've been having. So, once I have some more money to spare, I'll be going back to the doctor to investigate this further. And now that I've got a GP who has a special interest in autism & ADHD, this should be a more straight forward process versus the fuck-around I was enduring before.
In general, I'm happier, healthier and my stress tolerance has finally returned to manageable levels. I'm still having crashes, a little of self-compassion and understanding, on top of the compassion and understanding I've received from you guys, has reduced their severity.
The Bad News:
The channel has recently been demonetised, despite my best efforts to get the hours back up. This isn't the worst setback in the world, as I have plenty of things in the pipeline that I am confident will return us to the YouTube Partner Program, but the timing on this development has been rotten, to say the least:
August & September are extremely financially draining, and this year has been particularly gruelling.
Various home devices needed replacement filters, which set me back a few hundred dollars.
I've also started receiving IPL to treat my ocular rosacea, which was causing major discomfort, dry eye and vision problems. The treatments are working, and have provided me major relief, but it's $220 per session for four sessions, once a month, and I've already done two sessions.
One of my cats is old and has recently been diagnosed with a heart condition on top of his pre-existing kidney disease. He's otherwise happy and cuddly, but taking care of the poor guy (plus the other two cats) can be a full time job sometimes, and this latest round of veterinary care set me back over a grand. And this isn't counting the more frequent costs of their food, medications, supplements, litter, etc.
It'll eventually be time to say goodbye, but that hopefully won't be for another couple of years, and until then, keeping him healthy for as long as I can reasonably manage to is my priority.
A couple of years back, I created a budgeting system that I'm super proud of, so all of this hasn't hit me as badly as it would have years ago, but even the best budgeting system can only take you so far when costs pile up unexpectedly, and faster than you could anticipate. I can make a little go a long way, but a dollar can only stretch so far.
I'm assessing my current spending to see where I can make further cuts to take the pressure off, but the demonetization thing really hasn't helped.
If you still want to support me and the channel, however, I still have StreamLabs and Ko-Fi to take some of the weight off, so here are some links, if any of you guys want to chip in:
As for future projects, I'm excited to show you guys what I've been working on.
There's an EFAP mega-project that I've been consistently teasing that I'm hoping to get done this century.
Main difficulty with it is that I had to take some time off to focus on my health, and by the time I returned, an update to Adobe Premiere had added a feature that kept crashing the project file on startup. Thankfully, I've found a few workarounds, but they take time and energy to implement, and I am still having crashes, even if they aren't as bad as before, so I'm trying to pace myself in getting that back up.
That project, however, will hopefully (fingers crossed!) result in a very exciting new upload to this channel. I'm not going to say what it is until I have 100% certainty I won't have to cut it, but it is something that breaks new ground for my skill set while also being a completely natural continuation of what I've done in the past.
After that, it'll be right back to focusing exclusively on this channel with the long-gestating Kevin Conroy documentary being the first in line. The delays to said documentary have actually been super fortuitous, as more posthumous performances from Kevin have risen up from the depths, and the aftermath of his passing has been allowed to settle. This will allow me to create something all-encompassing and worthy of his legacy as the one true Batman in the eyes of many, and as the incredible man that he was.
I'm also excited to return to regular streaming, and repurposing some monologues and musings from said streams into edited content here.
All this is to say that we're still in a bit of a rough patch, but I am optimistic about the future of the channel, even if the pace of improvement has been slow, and life continues to throw challenges our way.
I don't give up easily, and I'm incredibly grateful to have the fans, supporters and friends that I've made along the way.
I turn 30 next week, and I hope we can make my 30s the decade of The Meme Repository. Rising from the ashes like a big white spunky phoenix... made of cum.
Will be a livestream at some point this week going over the current state of things.
Long story short, I'm having complex health problems that has actively interfered with my ability to stream, edit, and even more basic things like eating, drinking, exercising, and replying to messages.
There's been a catastrophic domino effect unfolding in slow motion, in other words. I'm not dying, to be clear, but I have been stuck in limbo.
The stream will go over what the hell has been going on, and brainstorm we can get things back on track.
Edit: Big thank you for all the well wishes from everyone. Had a little bit of trouble getting everything set up, both due to health & technical problems, but everything is good to go now. Just gotta pick a good time slot.
TMR: The Meme Repository
Small update on the livestream:
I've been recovering from surgery, and right after I announced the stream, I started developing an infection as a result of said surgery. Nothing to worry about, I just needed a bit of extra time to recover (and more importantly, waiting until I'm approved for ibuprofen again).
2 weeks ago (edited) | [YT] | 82
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TMR: The Meme Repository
We'll be doing a live stream at some point soon (possibly this weekend) and it'll be a "storytime" stream.
Everyone keeping up with these community posts will know that A LOT has happened the past few years, and now that I have all the facts to contextualise everything, I want to map out a timeline of events to get everything straight in my head.
This will hopefully be a one-stop shop for explaining everything, as even with all these community posts, it's been difficult to capture the full scope of everything that has happened, and how my newly diagnosed health conditions (EDS & MCAS) have been creeping behind the scenes to sabotage everything these past few years.
And after the stream, I'm hoping we can finally turn a new leaf and begin getting things back on track.
I'm hoping this will be informative, and possibly offer a glimmer of hope for the channel's future, as the whole the reason things fell apart is because I was fighting a battle against an enemy that had no name while being told it was all in my head.
Now we know what is going on in my body, which gives us the power to manage it and make progress again.
I've missed streaming, editing, talking with you guys and just being an active part of the community, and while things aren't going to bounce back overnight, this stream should hopefully make that path back more clear.
And I'm hoping I can make it entertaining, and chat with you guys about whatever along the way.
3 weeks ago | [YT] | 92
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TMR: The Meme Repository
Let's talk about Lanterns.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge that, as a standalone show, it could still be good.
As always, the accuracy of adaptation is a different metric from writing quality, but that doesn't mean I won't be annoyed if it's adapted poorly. And so far, it's not looking great as an adaptation of Green Lantern, or more specifically, of Hal Jordan as a character.
A reboot of Green Lantern was desperately needed, but *how* they're rebooting it is beyond questionable.
Hal Jordan is many things, but an old man is not one of them (we already have Alan Scott to fill that role). Now, I wouldn't be too annoyed if the Earth Lanterns were truly interchangeable, allowing you to swap and change whatever Lantern you want into whichever story you want to adapt.
Unfortunately, all the Earth Lanterns are distinct characters with their own plotlines, arcs, characteristics, supporting characters and villains. And while John Stewart might be the most well-known thanks to the DCAU (Justice League & Justice League Unlimited), the most iconic Green Lanterns stories typically revolve around Hal.
So, I'm a little bewildered that they've chosen to start Hal's story at the end of his career, and how John is being set up as his long-term replacement. Seemingly treating this show as a one-off. An Elseworld's tale where they are afforded more freedom to tune these characters to the exact setting and tone they want.
This isn't an Elseworld's tale, however. This is a mainline television show that is setting the groundwork for Green Lantern for possibly decades to come.
And as a result, we'll be forced to live with these decisions for the foreseeable future:
- Hal Jordan is an old man who will likely die, retire or turn evil within the first couple of seasons.
- The first season is set ten years in the past, so Hal is actually EVEN OLDER by the time of Superman, if he's still alive at all.
- John & Guy will likely be forced into Hal's place in stories that previously would have had him at the centre, but can't now because, again: Old, dead, retired, or evil.
- Hal's identity is public, which has ripple effects both big & small. The most obvious of which is how, well, naked he looks without the domino mask. Not helped by that god-awful costume that looks more like biker gear than a Green Lantern uniform (and why do we keep forgetting the white gloves?)
Now, before someone points it out in the comments, yes, I know there was an era of Green Lantern where John was the backup Lantern, and eventually took over for Hal. This dynamic didn't stick long-term, however, and is not how these two are portrayed in relation to each other for the majority of their history.
I'm a child of the Geoff Johns-Peter Tomasi era of Green Lantern, and by that point, all Earth Lanterns were off doing their own thing as contemporaries with the age differences being minimal.
Now, this is a comic book adaptation, and thus, there are ways to circumnavigate these issues, if they changed their mind.
If they choose to adapt the Parallax storyline, for example, they could *possibly* end that storyline with Hal's redemption; swapping in a younger actor as the creature's influence finally leaves his body. For those not in the know, there was a time Hal *looked* older in the comics, but it was later revealed that this was due to being influenced, and later possessed, by a space bug made of living fear.
It's a bit of a catch-22 story. It contains some highly iconic imagery, but it was also complete and total character assassination for Hal, hence the later space bug explanation.
The issue with using this as a mechanism to get a younger Hal into the present day in this universe, however, is that we never got to enjoy Hal in his prime.
Hal Jordan was brought back after his downfall in the comics because there were generations of fans who'd grown up with him as their Green Lantern, and were more than a little upset that he turned omnicidal before being killed off.
So, there was a supply & demand reason for his return.
With Lanterns, we're *starting* with the older Hal.
We haven't followed a younger Hal Jordan over multiple seasons of television, so the demand is not there to justify the supply.
Now, they could test the waters by doing a mini-series later down the line - Show Hal's backstory, and go through some of the highlights of his career leading into Lanterns, but there's still so many issues that simply filling in Hal's backstory wouldn't solve.
The mini-series itself could be as comic accurate as the premise of the show would allow, but that still wouldn't fix the long-term damage of making him forty years older than Superman in this universe.
Hal is a character with more than a few iconic friendships with other heroes - He's got an interesting relationship with Batman, his adventures with Green Arrow are the stuff of legend, and let's not forget his friendship with Barry Allen.
And those are only a few examples.
As it stands, Hal is being set up as the senior to possibly all of these characters now, so the dynamic is going to be fundamentally different, even if they go through the effort to explore them.
You can de-age Hal's body, but he'll still be significantly older than all the characters he's meant to be contemporaries with.
And beyond his place within the larger superhero community, Hal's supporting cast ages too, and whatever magic trick you pull to make Hal young again, it can't just be applied to his entire supporting cast, such as his family, friends and love interests. Well, not without deeper implications, anyway.
Making Hal younger also wouldn't retroactively make his identity a secret again, unless he started going under a completely different name. Oh god, could you imagine THAT's how they get Kyle Rayner into this universe? Just making him a de-aged version of Hal?
Also, much like his aforementioned superhero friends, the comics also place John & Hal as relative contemporaries in terms of age, with Hal only being more experienced due to getting the ring first.
From the looks of the trailer, Hal is going to be something of a childhood hero to John, which is, just... weird, to me. Even someone like Kyle Rayner, who was Hal's replacement during all the Parallax stuff, was only like ten, maybe fifteen years younger than Hal at absolute maximum (which would place Hal in his thirties and Kyle in his early twenties).
I get the whole passing the torch idea, but I dunno man, the Green Lantern comics I like have all the Earth Lanterns co-existing and off doing their own thing. And by doing a TV Series, it felt like that was the idea with this show too. That they could tell so many more stories than a two to three hour film would allow with so many more characters.
Of course, I didn't image every Earth Lantern would be introduced at once. Of course not. But I imagined that the format would allow these characters to be introduced organically over time.
Instead, we're rushing to old folks home.
This show that could be interesting on its own, but I dread to think that this is going to be everyone's initial introduction to Green Lantern and the characters contained therein.
Much in the same way I'd dread someone being introduced to Batman through the DCEU - In a universe where all of his best stories are behind him, and he's already gone through most of his major arcs. Only with Green Lantern, you don't have a wealth of other adaptations to (kind of) fill in the gaps.
I dunno, it just blows my mind that we had one crappy adaptation in 2011, and suddenly, no one wants to touch Hal Jordan faithfully as a character anymore. A character who they'd worked so hard to rehabilitate in the eyes of the comic reading public.
Imagine if that rule applied to any other property. Imagine if we never got Netflix's Daredevil because the property was "too tainted" by the Ben Affleck version.
One silver lining, though:
Hal Jordan is actually something of a dream role of mine as an actor, so when they announced this project, I was a little bummed that I wasn't quite far along enough to even get a shot at that role.
Then when it was revealed that they were aiming for a sixty-year-old Hal, there was a little bit of relief there. Turns out even if I was signed on with some big agency, and was doing high profile roles, I still would have been WAAAYY out of the age range they were looking for.
Truth is, the game was rigged from the start.
1 month ago | [YT] | 72
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TMR: The Meme Repository
Friends, we are finally close to the end of this very long, and excruciatingly painful road.
It's taken a lot longer to make these arrangements than I would have liked, and not for lack of forward planning or preparation on my part.
For the couple of years I'd known he was sick, I'd very carefully considered my options, on & off. Back in September especially when he'd gained yet another diagnosis in the form of sudden heart disease, I'd begun planning for the worst.
I, of course, hoped he'd pull through for at least one more year, make it to fifteen years of age. A nice round number. However, I also knew these things could collapse without warning.
Once the terminal prognosis came in, I made it a point to work with the palliative care specialist to properly go over all of my options, and have a ready-to-go action plan on standby for when the moment finally came. This way, I wouldn't have to make a bunch of huge and heavy decisions under a strict time limit while I was being forced through the excruciating heartbreak of grief.
I very much considered this cat to be my son, and losing him has been the pain I can only imagine one would go through in losing their child (and their first child at that).
And once his time came, the first step of the action plan was initiated:
A tactical delay in initiating the rest of the plan.
It wasn't that I didn't trust the plan that I'd constructed, but more, that I wanted to have a clear head when I pulled the trigger, in case there were any considerations I'd missed while my soul crumpled like soggy tissue paper.
Two days into this tactical delay (two days after his death) is when I found out about the aforementioned freeze drying process.
Something I drove home with the palliative care specialist was that memory for me is very tactile, and whatever the game plan, I wanted to keep as much of him as I possibly could. This resulted in a plan to get as many paw prints and various other keepsakes created on top of keeping his ashes, to keep as much of him with me as possible, ensuring that we compiled an extensive list of items we needed to get while his body was still in tact, versus those that could be purchased later.
This felt as good as it was going to get at the time. Once the moment came for final goodbyes, however, and I had to leave him behind at the vet, the full implications of what this all meant washed over me. My grief wasn't just that I'd lost my son, but that walking out of that room would mean never seeing him again.
It's a consequence of my memory and meaning being tactile and physical for me. I knew deep in my heart that no number of paw prints or castings nor tufts of fur would ever fill that need to keep him as he was. In the shape that is him. Even if he wasn't alive, giving up his body felt like this second death:
That the next time I'd "see" him, he'd be a pile of ashes. Indistinguishable from the dust under the ottoman. That revelation hollowed me out completely.
Hit me with a hammer, I would have rung like a bell.
So, when I learned that there was a way to keep *him* - ALL of him, that possibility made me feel whole again. However, this would mean not only changing the action plan, but scrapping it entirely. I would need to learn everything about the freeze drying process from ground zero, and whether it was what I truly needed long-term, or whether it was just something that lightened me in a period of my most acute grief.
So, I was now left in the position I'd tried so extraordinarily hard to avoid:
I had to make a lot of heavy decisions with no room for error while also going through the grieving process. All of this under a strict deadline:
Frozen bodies can only be freeze dried up to six months after death, the vet needed to free up freezer space AND I needed to allow time for transport and preparation, meaning I couldn't afford to have it slip my mind or delay it indefinitely as I did other things.
That meant there were a lot of days where I was doing almost nothing while I let my brain do its thing, or I was otherwise working through my grief while the decisions lingered in the background. It wasn't procrastination in the traditional sense. More just a need for my subconscious to chew on every possible aspect of this process before sending the results up to my conscious mind for consideration.
Before I could even begin, I had to first consider what the right questions to ask should even be, both to myself and to the people I would be handing his body off to. And that meant going right down to the very roots of my belief structure to understand what my worldview needed out of all this - Basically deconstructing my heart, mind and soul to see where both my cat and death itself sat within them, before carefully putting them back together again.
And then I had to get the funds together, which was its own trial.
And finally, I had to fill out the paperwork, which I thought was going to be the easiest part, but part of that process was describing the final pose he will be in. It seemed like an easy question to answer, but as I thought about it, I realised that there were logistical considerations I had to make, not to mention crafting a description that will actually communicate exactly what I want ON TOP of finding reference photos of him that match what I needed.
And then, of course, going away from it so I could look at it with fresh eyes, and ensure that all my bases were covered so I could put the wheels in motion as anxiety-free as I possibly could.
All of this while fighting the arse cancer that is Adobe Acrobat's form filling and editing features. Oh, and also relearning how my body works in the wake of my EDS diagnosis at the same time. Fun!
We're finally here, though.
At the time of writing, I'm literally just waiting to hear back from the company to see if I've filled everything out correctly, and if they're ready to receive him.
We're 99.9% of the way there, and after that, I'll finally have the spoons to do that memorial livestream and (hopefully) some long overdue gaming streams.
Thank you all for your continuing patience. I just wanted to outline everything that has been going on while my head is relatively clear, so I wasn't leaving you all in the dark.
I am still apocalyptically behind on messages, but those are going to be a top priority once I've gotten confirmation and decompressed a little from this.
2 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 121
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TMR: The Meme Repository
Update time once more.
Bloody hell, it's only been two weeks since the last post? It feels longer. 😫
Aftercare for my cat is progressing slowly but surely, and I'm gradually learning to manage my EDS symptoms. I'm hoping to have everything back up and running before too long, but decision making right now feels like walking through wet cement, and I'm trying to be very careful during this delicate phase of the process.
Once his body is safely in the hands of the freeze drying place, I'll be able to unclench and finally divert my attention back to other things.
The last month has been healing, but still exhausting.
The closest comparison I can think is having to learn how to walk again while grieving your child. The two things can be done together, but they don't leave much overhead for other things.
There's a couple of games I really want to play on stream that I'm hoping I can get around to soon, if only just to relax. I'm feeling a little self-conscious about streaming since the channel got demonetized, and I'm not entirely sure why, but I guess anxiety doesn't need a rational explanation. Sometimes, the brain is just misfiring under stress.
Maybe there's a bit of imposter syndrome slipping in because of the huge break I've been forced to take for my health and my cat, but yeah, it's hard to say for sure.
As for the GoFundMe I mentioned, while I'm still considering it, I began feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of relying on the uncertainty crowdfunding for something as important and sensitive as getting my cat preserved. As a result, I dug deep and found some alternative routes to fund it.
It's still going to be a big blow financially, but at least there's certainty now where there was none before.
I might still do some crowdfunding of some kind (still undecided), but I think it's much more fair to set up something to help recoup some of the costs, rather relying than on it for the process to happen at all.
I've been doing some prep for the memorial stream as well, and I'm looking forward to doing that when I get the chance.
And, of course, I'm looking forward to transitioning life back to something resembling normal and fun again. Going so long with an undiagnosed medical condition while shouldering so many other things along the way really fucks with your sense of self, and more than anything, I'm just looking forward to feeling like me again.
A little older. A little wiser. But still the same ol' Meme under all this.
And still got the best fans anyone could ask for (certainly the most patient!)
Thanks guys, I'll try to at least drop these updates more frequently, when I can.
Some people use their community posts as little blog posts too, so maybe I should think about doing that to at least get something out in the interim periods? We shall see (God knows I have some things to say about that Lanterns trailer).
3 months ago | [YT] | 89
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TMR: The Meme Repository
A big thank you for all the wonderful comments on the previous community posts. It will never cease to amaze me how incredibly loving this community is, and I'll never not be blown away by all the support.
I've been weighing options for aftercare (aka what to do with my cat's body), and I'm heavily leaning towards a process called "freeze-drying".
This is a process where the frozen animal is put into a vacuum chamber and the moisture is allowed to slowly sublimate without turning back into a liquid, and the result is the animal becoming completely "shelf stable" (for lack of a better term).
This would, in essence, allow him to be a monument to himself, and allow him to stay with me in a recognisable form for the rest of my life. It just feels the most right to me.
I've calculated the costs for this procedure, and it comes in at about $2600 AUD ($1840.85 USD at current exchange rates) + transport and other overhead costs that I still need to run the numbers for.
Expensive, yes, but when you consider that it's essentially the last money I'll ever spend on him, it's not the worst price in the world. I think I probably paid that much in vet bills alone last year.
The main problem is timing.
I'm still recovering financially from all the aforementioned care he needed during the final years of his life, and there is a time limit for how long I can wait before freeze drying becomes impossible. Not to mention, my vet can't exactly hold his body in the freezer forever.
I've weighed up my options, and this feels like a situation where a GoFundMe may be appropriate, as I'm not confident I'll be able to build up the funds quickly enough on my own.
If the EDS chooses to be kind, I may do a stream today or tomorrow discussing the idea further (and chat with you folks again while playing a game). And if it goes ahead, the memorial stream will likely double as a fundraising stream too.
In the meantime, here's a YT short demonstrating what the end result of freeze drying looks like. Conveniently, the cat in the video is near identical to my own, so it's an excellent example to look at:
www.youtube.com/shorts/bextmw...
4 months ago | [YT] | 10
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TMR: The Meme Repository
Hello friends, it's been a hot minute.
I hope you're doing well, love what you're doing with your hair.
What's been going on in MemeLand, you ask? Fuck man, I don't even know where to begin. So much stuff that I've had to split this community post into two parts, so that should give you some idea.
In fact, this *IS* Part 2, so if you haven't read Part 1, I would recommend jumping over here first to get yourself all caught up on the deep lore:
youtube.com/post/UgkxiLNtBeLSMqjSTvmN6DieAvbPvTyPT…
Part 2:
For the first half of the month, my sister was in serious trouble.
She has multiple, serious psychiatric conditions, including schizoaffective disorder (which is a subtype of schizophrenia), and she was dating a sociopath who had convinced her to go off all her meds, and tried to extort our family for money. So, the first week of the month was spent making phone calls to the building managers to fix security doors that had been broken for weeks, changing codes to lockboxes, and getting back a stolen van, terrified that the fucker might be smuggling himself in the back, waiting to go postal.
The second week was coordinating with the mental health unit at one of the local hospitals, as going off all your meds when you have schizoaffective disorder is a really, really bad idea, and she'd completely lost touch with reality. So, I was calling up the hospital constantly to advocate for her while my parents were out of town, and driving back & forth, basically becoming her full time carer.
Once that had finally settled down, the universe decided one more "fuck you" was in order, as my cat's kidney disease took a turn for the worse. On Christmas Day, I'd noticed some lumps sticking out of his sides, and I spent all of Christmas writing up an email to the vet voicing my concerns. They were worried too, but because of my financial situation, they said I should keep an eye on it and take him in if they don't go away.
They did go away, temporarily, making me think he was just constipated or something.
Right after my sister's hospital adventure, however, they came back. And his appetite was in the toilet too, causing him to lose an unhealthy amount of weight. Worried, I took him into the vet, and my worst fears were confirmed.
He'd developed perirenal pseudocysts on both kidneys, and one kidney had already shut down. What had previously been stabilised and under control, had devolved rapidly into an end stage condition. I was given the option to hospitalise, but it was risky and would only buy him a few months at most.
He was dying.
Given the options, I chose to bring him home.
For the next two weeks, I coordinated with my regular vets + a wonderful palliative care specialist they refered me to, and at the end, a group of volunteers I called his "angels" that helped me to administer his medications.
The plan was to do an at-home euthanasia in March, aiming to give him a fighting chance to say goodbye to all the humans he'd know in his life.
It was looking good for a little bit, but it was an uphill battle. There were struggles to get people in to medicate him, and it was so difficult to tell what symptoms were manageable versus the ones that pointed towards a need to push forward the euthanasia date.
Eventually, on Wednesday, February 4th, his body began to shut down.
I might tell the full story in a livestream I'm hoping to do, but the long and short of it is that I stayed with him until he died.
I watched my boy die.
I tried to get someone in to do the euthanasia, but no one could make it in time.
I just kept telling him that I love him. And that I was so grateful to have him in my life. And that it was okay to go into that goodnight where there would no longer be any pain.
I then carried his body into the living room for the other cats to do with as they needed, before transporting him to the vets. The entire time, I was completely inconsolable. I'm a cryer in general, but even by my standards, I don't think I've cried more than I did in the last two weeks of my boy's life, and in the week immediately after.
It's been ten days now, and I'm just spent emotionally.
In case it wasn't obvious, going through that level of stress and emotional exhaustion is not good for avoiding EDS flare ups. During the last week of his life, he just kept yowling and yowling, and he would only shut up if me or one of the other cats was directly in his sightlines.
This meant that I got very little sleep during that period which, you guessed it, flares up the EDS like a motherfucker, amongst all the things sleep deprivation does.
The palliative care specialist said that she'd never seen anyone go to the lengths that I did for a dying animal. I was essentially a full-time, around the clock nurse without pay. I was sending emails every day. Making phone calls every day. Organising groups, and coordinating guests, on top of attending to all his needs, which included reconfiguring the apartment so he could easily reach all the taps, which I kept at a low trickle, because he was refusing to have anything but running tap water.
And now, I'm still sort of in the trenches as I figure out what to do with his body, and what the overall aftercare procedure is. I had a plan worked out, but then I found out about some additional options that have given pause, and now I'm back to trying to figure out what the best course of action is, while also wrangling with some of the most severe grief I've ever dealt with on top of the trauma of having watched my cat die in front of me.
There's also other stuff I've been dealing with that I've doubtless forgotten in the shuffle, such as the fact that my psychologist of about seven years is retiring, so I'm in the process of transitioning to a new one, which means I have double the support temporarily, but also, it's a hugely stressful thing to have such a fundamental part of my life completely upended and changed around at a time where I desperately need stability.
I do have a support worker helping out, thank god, plus cleaners, but even they can only take so much of the load off.
So yes, this has been what has been keeping your ol' pal Meme pre-occcupied these past few months. I'm writing this both to inform you lovely folks, and also to have something to copy & paste to the folks that I need to get back to, so I don't blow up their inboxes with two short MauLer videos worth of text.
And yes, the Long Man is someone I seriously need to get back to.
I've actually had a reply written to him for months now, but I haven't had the spoons to proofread it, which I'm hoping this post will help with (plus being functionally blind with dry eye didn't help).
This feels like the beginning of a new chapter, at long last. We now have a clear path forward, and I'm thankful for that, but the pain of knowing my dear boy, who has been there for me throughout my entire adult life will not be there to see it. It's a pain I can't describe.
Objectively, I've got more direction than I've ever had, but I've also never felt more lost.
I'll hopefully be able to do a livestream too, as a tribute to my dear boy (and I really need to come up with a better pseudonym for him, as I don't want to mention his real name in case I dox myself by proxy), so I hope you guys can come join for that, whenever I summon the energy to do it.
Anyway, like, yeah. Things go vrooom.
I'm so tired.
4 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 105
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TMR: The Meme Repository
Hello friends, it's been a hot minute.
I hope you're doing well, love what you're doing with your hair.
What's been going on in MemeLand, you ask? Fuck man, I don't even know where to begin. So much stuff that I've had to split this community post into two parts, so that should give you some idea.
Part 1:
I guess we'll start with medical stuff, as that'll weave throughout everything else, for we finally have an official diagnosis for the longstanding medical issues!
On January 20th, I was officially diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (or EDS, for short), which explains, well, every single unexplainable medical problem I've had for basically my entire life, and finally answers why my body has slowly been disintegrating the last few years.
This is good news, because it means I'm no longer stumbling blind, trying to figure out what to do. The actual solutions will take time to implement, as a lot of it is just physical therapy, but that's much better than having zero idea what the fuck is going on.
So, what is EDS exactly?
Well, physiologically, it basically means that my body produces a low quality version of the protein "collagen". Now, you might have heard of collagen in relation to the beauty industry, as it is the thing that keeps skin looking healthy & youthful, and it is a drop in collagen levels that makes us wrinkly looking when we get old (amongst other things, I believe).
Collagen, however, isn't just skin deep. It's a fundamental building block of the entire body, meaning that if your body produces a low quality version of it, your entire body is partially low quality. Kind of like a YouTube video on a crap connection.
There's about 13 or more subtypes of EDS, and all of them manifest the condition in different ways. For me, it appears that I have the hypermobility subtype (or possibly the classical).
The two most obvious symptoms are my super stretchy skin (which I only just found out is not normal) and my super floppy, unstable joints (which I knew wasn't normal, but didn't realise was actively harming me until now).
The loose, floppy joints force my muscles to expend a lot more effort to stabilize. This results in chronic exhaustion because compensating for a structural fault within the body is a lot of work versus the typically passive stability that a healthy body has.
And that's just one symptom.
EDS also comes with various dysautonomic symptoms (also known as dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system), such as:
- Orthostatic Intolerance (a condition where symptoms like lightheadedness, fainting, palpitations, and fatigue develop upon standing or sitting upright, typically improving when lying down)
- Extreme Fatigue, usually manifesting as massive crashes.
- Deeply uncomfortable digestive and gut problems.
- Exercise intolerance, meaning if I push myself even a little too hard at the gym, I might be out for days after.
- Chronic migraines, usually the silent type that doesn't have the headache (but is no less debilitating).
- Difficulties regulating body temperature.
There are also a number of cognitive symptoms too, such as:
- Difficulty concentrating
- Memory difficulties.
- Executive function difficulties.
- Brain fog
- Spatial & temporal confusion
And do note, that my ADHD & Autism already cause these things, so this essentially just makes it worse, and also compromises the techniques & treatments that work for those two diagnoses, but not the EDS. This explains why my meds work really well sometimes, but then completely fail at others.
The circulation to my limbs has also become progressively worse, rendering the use of my hands compromised, and giving me these wonderfully attractive varicose veins, not to mention purpose hands & feet.
Many symptoms also come with the sub-symptom of chronic pain and inflammation.
Also, because this is a connective tissue disorder that affects every part of the body, it's not unlikely that other medical conditions I have are, in some way, attributable to the EDS.
For example, I was also diagnosed with meibomian gland dysfunction last year, which causes chronic dry eye, resulting in discomfort, blurry vision and increased sensitivity to light. Even if this is an independent disorder of the EDS, a chronic dry eye condition still makes the EDS worse, as it increases light sensitivity, which in turn, triggers migraines and other dysautonomic symptoms.
And this is made doubly worse by my pollen allergy, which creates even more eye-related problems, which in turn, worsens the dry eye and you can probably guess where this is going.
So, am I fucked? No, not at all.
EDS, while currently incurable, can be managed effectively. The symptoms are not constant. They get better and worse, depending on the number of triggers I'm exposed to versus the number of things I'm doing to manage it.
I used to be into strength training once upon a time, and that was when my body and mind were at their peak. Without a diagnosis, however, I was written programs that were entirely inappropriate for my condition, as they'd often trigger my exercise intolerance, leaving me wiped out for days sometimes.
With a hypermobility specialist, however, rehabilitation will finally be possible.
In fact, I'd already be engaging with a physical therapist, if life hadn't decided to ram one last batch of pineapples up my tight hole before I finally secured the diagnosis. Resulting in a mess I'm still cleaning up.
So, let's rewind:
I got back to work on editing projects in October (I think? It's a bit of a blur), but as I'm discovering, November & December (the beginning of the Australian Summer) are essentially EDS hell for two reasons:
- Increased pollen levels
- Longer, brighter, hotter days with Increased UV Levels
Fun fact about Canberra (where I live):
When the city was founded a little over a hundred years ago, they planted way too many male plants, and not enough female ones. As a result, when summer time rolls around, there is an excessive amount of plant sperm floating through the air, getting into everything and everyone.
These high pollen levels trigger my allergies, which in turn, worsen my meibomian gland disorder, which severely compromises my vision and spikes my sensitivity to light. So, when the days gets longer, brighter and hotter, I'm not only struggling to regulate my body temperature, which itself can result in further EDS flare ups as my body strains to compensate, but I'm also being blasted by the Australian sun from 5am to 9pm.
And to make things even worse, all the fruits I like go out of season (except bananas), meaning I get the additional flare trigger of not getting the proper nutrition & hydration I need, at a time I need it the most. Yippee...
So yeah, I am way behind on messages from September & October onwards because I've basically learned that I have to go into hibernation during the final two months of the year. I tried to push through it, but it just wasn't happening.
And on top of that, I had to change food delivery companies. I get discounted groceries because of my disability, which is great, but changing providers was a level of executive function my poor nervous system simply wasn't equipped for at that particular time of the year, so I was barely eating on top of all that.
January & February usually aren't so bad, though. They're usually a nice gentle recovery period, as the pollen levels go down and the days start to get a bit shorter.
This is what should happen, but another major trigger for EDS is stress, which also wreaks havoc with my autism & ADHD, which already render my nervous system extra sensitive.
And if those last two paragraphs didn't make it obvious, I'll say it clearly: January was a fucking nightmare, and February has also been awful.
Continued in Part 2:
youtube.com/post/UgkxKQZj6l220IkFNMa0S22uTA_JqEcf4…
4 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 74
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TMR: The Meme Repository
Update time everyone!
Long story short -- Things are a lot better than they were in my last post, but we have a ways to go.
The Good News:
The big thing I want to emphasize is that things are genuinely improving, and I am in a far, far better place than I was seven months ago when I did the first health livestream.
I've got a much firmer handle on my own health issues, and an amazing viewer on one of the latest streams pointed out that my symptoms could align with HSD (or hypermobility spectrum disorder). I'll emphasize that this is not a diagnosis, only a reasonable suspicion that seems to line up near-perfectly with all the problems I've been having. So, once I have some more money to spare, I'll be going back to the doctor to investigate this further. And now that I've got a GP who has a special interest in autism & ADHD, this should be a more straight forward process versus the fuck-around I was enduring before.
In general, I'm happier, healthier and my stress tolerance has finally returned to manageable levels. I'm still having crashes, a little of self-compassion and understanding, on top of the compassion and understanding I've received from you guys, has reduced their severity.
The Bad News:
The channel has recently been demonetised, despite my best efforts to get the hours back up. This isn't the worst setback in the world, as I have plenty of things in the pipeline that I am confident will return us to the YouTube Partner Program, but the timing on this development has been rotten, to say the least:
August & September are extremely financially draining, and this year has been particularly gruelling.
Various home devices needed replacement filters, which set me back a few hundred dollars.
I've also started receiving IPL to treat my ocular rosacea, which was causing major discomfort, dry eye and vision problems. The treatments are working, and have provided me major relief, but it's $220 per session for four sessions, once a month, and I've already done two sessions.
One of my cats is old and has recently been diagnosed with a heart condition on top of his pre-existing kidney disease. He's otherwise happy and cuddly, but taking care of the poor guy (plus the other two cats) can be a full time job sometimes, and this latest round of veterinary care set me back over a grand. And this isn't counting the more frequent costs of their food, medications, supplements, litter, etc.
It'll eventually be time to say goodbye, but that hopefully won't be for another couple of years, and until then, keeping him healthy for as long as I can reasonably manage to is my priority.
A couple of years back, I created a budgeting system that I'm super proud of, so all of this hasn't hit me as badly as it would have years ago, but even the best budgeting system can only take you so far when costs pile up unexpectedly, and faster than you could anticipate. I can make a little go a long way, but a dollar can only stretch so far.
I'm assessing my current spending to see where I can make further cuts to take the pressure off, but the demonetization thing really hasn't helped.
If you still want to support me and the channel, however, I still have StreamLabs and Ko-Fi to take some of the weight off, so here are some links, if any of you guys want to chip in:
streamlabs.com/thememerepository/tip
ko-fi.com/thememerepository
Future Projects:
As for future projects, I'm excited to show you guys what I've been working on.
There's an EFAP mega-project that I've been consistently teasing that I'm hoping to get done this century.
Main difficulty with it is that I had to take some time off to focus on my health, and by the time I returned, an update to Adobe Premiere had added a feature that kept crashing the project file on startup. Thankfully, I've found a few workarounds, but they take time and energy to implement, and I am still having crashes, even if they aren't as bad as before, so I'm trying to pace myself in getting that back up.
That project, however, will hopefully (fingers crossed!) result in a very exciting new upload to this channel. I'm not going to say what it is until I have 100% certainty I won't have to cut it, but it is something that breaks new ground for my skill set while also being a completely natural continuation of what I've done in the past.
After that, it'll be right back to focusing exclusively on this channel with the long-gestating Kevin Conroy documentary being the first in line. The delays to said documentary have actually been super fortuitous, as more posthumous performances from Kevin have risen up from the depths, and the aftermath of his passing has been allowed to settle. This will allow me to create something all-encompassing and worthy of his legacy as the one true Batman in the eyes of many, and as the incredible man that he was.
I'm also excited to return to regular streaming, and repurposing some monologues and musings from said streams into edited content here.
All this is to say that we're still in a bit of a rough patch, but I am optimistic about the future of the channel, even if the pace of improvement has been slow, and life continues to throw challenges our way.
I don't give up easily, and I'm incredibly grateful to have the fans, supporters and friends that I've made along the way.
I turn 30 next week, and I hope we can make my 30s the decade of The Meme Repository. Rising from the ashes like a big white spunky phoenix... made of cum.
9 months ago | [YT] | 91
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TMR: The Meme Repository
Will be a livestream at some point this week going over the current state of things.
Long story short, I'm having complex health problems that has actively interfered with my ability to stream, edit, and even more basic things like eating, drinking, exercising, and replying to messages.
There's been a catastrophic domino effect unfolding in slow motion, in other words. I'm not dying, to be clear, but I have been stuck in limbo.
The stream will go over what the hell has been going on, and brainstorm we can get things back on track.
Edit: Big thank you for all the well wishes from everyone. Had a little bit of trouble getting everything set up, both due to health & technical problems, but everything is good to go now. Just gotta pick a good time slot.
1 year ago (edited) | [YT] | 113
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