Zap Crusty

This is a drawing of my beloved plush pony 'Pålle', whom you might have seen in Sky's latest drawing of my OC.

I must admit, this is my dearest and bestest friend I have ever had. He has accompanied me for almost 15 years, given to me by two of my parents' friends for me. I have played lots of fun games with him, carried him everywhere on trips, watched movies with him and been my bedmate for as long as I can remember. And now, in my darkest hours, he is here along with my plush shark to be with me when no one else is. He is also the one I cried my very last tears onto on August 29th last year (the day when everything was downhill from there).

This little pony means everything for me and love him with my whole life. He is my life, and he is staying with me until the day I die. Never in a hundred years would I sell him off to someone else. He is mine, forever.

Love you, Pålle. <3

3 days ago | [YT] | 8

Zap Crusty

It was Chicago 1945. Cubs lost that year, but Al Capone was found alive. They searched forty days in the suburbs of the night, and they found him, 𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓿𝓮…

Young Joe DiMaggio hit his first home-run. People gathered ’round, basking in the sun. Three girls disappeared on a cold windy night, never to be found again! Never to be found again! So…

Who solved that mystery late Chicago night? You can’t hide the truth, so won’t you turn on the light? Who solved that mystery late Chicago night?
Never to be found again! Never to be (found again!) Found again! Never to be (found again!)

6 days ago | [YT] | 2

Zap Crusty

1 week ago | [YT] | 2

Zap Crusty

Happy (late) Midsummer everyone!
Here is me standing on a big field with a midsommarstång behind me, and I’m happily carrying a midsommarkrans. Wish I could have been there and celebrated, but me couldn’t due to you know.

I think this drawing turned out solid (please ignore the rushing on the tail and background 🙏)

1 week ago | [YT] | 2

Zap Crusty

I wanted to make a drawing for Midsummer today but it got late so I will make it tomorrow. :/

1 week ago | [YT] | 1

Zap Crusty

Heya there boys and girls (and non-binaries)!

I’d just like to tell you that the reason for the recent lack of content is because of, well, my trip to Greece (the place is beautiful). I will get home again in around 10 days from now and as soon as I do, I’ll get to work on the sample appearances of the unknown organist, so look out for that!

Additionally, while I’m here, I could give you some drawings. This is no guarantee though, as I’m currently working on some Paradisecord-exclusive comics and therefore I might not have time for making other drawings outside of the aforementioned comic-project. We will see how it goes.

See you guys!

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 3

Zap Crusty

This is Zappy boi calling from Greece. Do you copy? Over.

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 3

Zap Crusty

I feel better now.

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 4

Zap Crusty

𝘋𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘺𝘩𝘰𝘢𝘹𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴 𝘢 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘭 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮. 𝘖𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘡𝘢𝘱 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘯. 𝘡𝘢𝘱 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘰.

Summer vacation starts on a low note here. I'll just say that nothing feels the same, which is just an ordinary thing by this point. Now however, it has become worse than ever. Each day that passes nowadays gets darker than the day before it, I don't have hope or care for the world anymore, nothing feels enjoyable and, like I have said many times before, I'm going insane. The basic reason for this is because I feel like I have failed at being a friend. Not just in the present but always, and I'm really doubting whether I should have friendships in general.

There have recently been occasions where I have deeply embarrassed myself in front of someone close to me (they'll be anonymous here for their privacy). I had once made two gifts for them; one was a song and one was a drawing. I don't know why, but it feels like life just said no as quick as I made these things. Ten days after the song was made the jealousy incident occured, the consequences of which would begin my downward spiral. The other time was when I made a drawing for them. Before sending it I explained why I made it. What happened next is something I for the most part want to keep secret but it made me feel like the drawing was pointless and I honestly felt ashamed with myself, like I had failed them again.

An honorable mention was an occasion when I found the same person feeling a bit down and my stupid worried self thought it was something serious and that they were hiding something. I have used this thing called "pretend-hugging" which is exactly what it sounds like, so when I saw them in a bad mood I went to console them and pretend to hug them. But then it appeared to be nothing serious. This is going to sound silly, but those moments caused a heavy load of feelings of failure to appear on me and I felt as though I should give up on my job. I have also never attempted pretend hugging again after that, and even if I tried to I wouldn't feel anything from it.

As a result of all of this, I really just feel hollow inside. The identity crisis back in 2025 sent me down a dangerous path that shaped how I see the world, the loneliness that followed as a result of the identity crisis plus trust issues made me depressed and the aforementioned embarrassments pretty much drained all remaining life from me. I am no longer the Zap you once knew. The old Zap - sweet, silly, loyal, lifeful, creative and never afraid to be himself, is dead and gone. What remains is an empty, lifeless husk of my former self - cautious, worried, anxious, loathed with guilt paranoid about every little thing, anything negative. I don't want to go back to that childish self anymore because I fear that I'll just be acting the goat and I'll be failing others again, which is actually part of the reason why I said I would stop making tributes and gifts for others a little back. Everything has just gone south as quick as I’ve made something.

Do I even have a personality anymore? Who even am I? I don't know. I actually used to think I was someone special back in January of this year, but now I do not think that's true. I have just been lying to myself. In retrospect, nothing I have done was really special and attempts to fix that miserably failed. I don’t feel special or important anymore. It’s as if my failed job that I tried to fix before is done. Now I just feel like a nobody. I don’t matter to anyone because they already have so many people around them that are so much better than me who is just a useless nobody by this point. Trying to fix me also feels like it's no use because the kind words will only bounce off me like tennis balls. I know it because I experience it myself, so it's really no use by this point.

All I have wanted to do was to make people happy, but the sad truth is that I don’t know how to find my own happiness, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do so under the many circumstances that surround me; e.g. the aforementioned stuff and my country slowly getting worse due to a reason I'd like to keep for myself. I don't know how to escape this either. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. All I am now is just one broken boy who has always failed others as long as I've been alive and someone who has always been alone (“you are not alone” is a just thing they say). I can’t be fixed. Nobody helps me, ever.

3 weeks ago (edited) | [YT] | 10